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Is it ever a good suggestion to remain associates with an ex?
Final month, Life Package requested our viewers this query as a part of a narrative and podcast episode on the subject. For those who share youngsters or pets, it’d make sense, say our relationship consultants. However steer clear in case you had been in an abusive relationship or nonetheless have emotions for the opposite particular person.
Dozens of listeners wrote to us with their ideas on the topic. Their tales illustrate the wide selection of prospects that may come when a romance ends. Some mentioned their ex was their greatest buddy. Some mentioned they needed to keep cordial for sensible functions. Others mentioned they realized … they did not need to be associates in any respect!
These responses have been edited for size and readability.
‘We nonetheless reside collectively’
My ex and I aren’t solely good associates, however we nonetheless reside collectively beneath the identical roof and co-parent our 13-year-old son.
After we acquired divorced in 2015, we determined to remain in the identical home collectively. Housing is dear in California. We might every take an enormous monetary hit if we needed to promote our residence and discover our personal locations to reside.
We additionally did not need to cut up time with our son, who was 5 years previous on the time. With this association, we may co-parent extra successfully and see our son day-after-day. We labored out a custody settlement that clearly outlined when every of us can be answerable for our son and his care. Now, virtually 9 years later, my ex and I are very shut. However no, we’re not getting again collectively.
Sure, courting has been arduous. Who desires thus far a person who nonetheless lives together with his ex? However the professionals far outweigh the cons. –Brian Gonzales
‘My ex-wife is my greatest buddy’
I’ve been divorced from my ex-wife for 22 years. We’ve two youngsters, a son and daughter who are actually grown and reside shut by.
For a very long time after the divorce, I used to be damage, offended and misplaced. However after wanting again on hurtful issues I mentioned and did, I higher understood her perspective. I wanted to mature extra.
Very slowly, we started to depend on one another for assist. She developed well being points and went on incapacity. As we speak, my ex-wife is my greatest buddy. We advise one another on many aspects of life, from coping with siblings to residence restore. We rejoice household occasions along with our youngsters and their important others. We are actually very proud grandparents of 1 precocious 2 yr previous, the enjoyment of our lives.
It feels good to not be wrought with bitterness and anger over a failed marriage. –Todd Scheler
‘I need little contact with my ex’
My (now) ex-wife and I divorced this January. We had been collectively for 34 years and raised two sons, who are actually 33 and 28.
For the sake of our youngsters and to honor our years collectively, we each intend to keep up an amicable relationship. However I’m not positive what the form of that relationship will appear to be going ahead.
In the interim, I need as little contact with my ex as attainable. I would like the psychological area to find who I’m in 2024 as a not too long ago divorced 67 yr previous. And I need to enable the emotions and ideas concerning the dissolution of our household and divorce to settle. –Invoice Cooper
‘I want he had been a tiny bit depressing’
Six months in the past, my husband of 8 years and companion of 21 years divorced me. He mentioned he nonetheless wished me in his life, however as a buddy.
We’re in common contact and meet up a pair occasions per week. However I will be sincere: it has been tough seeing him simply decide up and transfer on whereas I’m nonetheless coming to phrases with all the pieces. I need him to be comfortable, however on the identical time I want he had been a tiny bit depressing.
The truth that now we have a reasonably small circle of associates would not assist. After I see him with a mutual buddy, they talk about individuals of their lives, lives which appear to incorporate me much less and fewer. It leaves me feeling like a 3rd wheel. –David Lantrip
P.S. Be sure your readers know I am fairly a catch. And clearly single.
For extra relationship recommendation (plus well being, finance and parenting suggestions and extra), subscribe to Life Package’s publication.
‘He believed we’d proceed to be greatest associates’
When my 15-year relationship was ending, my companion — who was within the midst of constructing himself my ex — mentioned he firmly believed we’d proceed to be greatest associates.
Impulsively, I blurted out, “however I’m not associates with individuals of your caliber.”
It’s fascinating to understand that the one that you entered the connection with can change into somebody you wouldn’t select to know now. This helped me stand within the current second, understanding one factor with certainty. —Maya Drozdz
‘It created one thing stunning’
My ex and I weren’t proper for one another romantically and had a nasty breakup filled with distrust, jealousy and bitter moments.
Nonetheless, I wished to change into associates once more. We each are queer and felt lots of stress to change into associates for the sake of our buddy group. So I made a decision to forgive my ex for all the pieces that went fallacious. It backfired so unhealthy that we didn’t discuss for years after.
It was throughout COVID that we reconnected. We had been dwelling in the identical metropolis. I had gotten married to a different lady. My ex and my spouse met for the primary time shortly after.
We had lengthy talks about how we might be higher associates and have a significant relationship. My spouse, my ex and I dance collectively and have adventures collectively. After I was pregnant, my ex was my assist particular person. My ex is now a part of my chosen household.
This didn’t occur in a single day. Time gave us the area to heal from our wounds and have many conversations about how we need to transfer ahead collectively. It created one thing much more unexpectedly stunning. –LaKecia Farmer
Thanks to everybody who took the time to e-mail Life Package together with your submission. Join our weekly publication to participate in reader-generated tales like this one.
This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visible editor is Beck Harlan. We might love to listen to from you. Depart us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or e-mail us at [email protected].
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